I just read a news brief. Go read that, it’s short, then come back.
Read it? Good.
All I can say is THANK GOD the cops were called. Apparently “the terrorists” are starting young these days. Who knows what sort of havoc could have been unleashed with a standard household pair of scissors. I mean, if we had kids I’d definitely keep our 3 or 4 pair under lock and key at all times. What with that new-fangled music rotting these poor kids brains… not to mention all the horribly violent shows on tv like spongebob squarepants… it’s a disaster waiting to happen. Add scissors and you have a walking time-bomb terrorist threat!
I mean, honestly, I know “common sense” has become anything but common. I know that 99% of americans of child bearing age don’t know how to raise a child.. let alone take responsibility for their OWN fuck ups, but: WHAT. THE. FUCK?!?! I’m not even sure who to be the most pissed off at. Obviously the school administration and the cops invovled are FUCKING MORONS. I mean I can see it now. Let’s call the girl sally.
Teacher: ok, now we’ll need to cut out the stars we drew on the paper, everyone get your scissors.
*Sally rummages in her backpack, pulls out THE WEAPON, psycho music plays*
Teacher: GASP
Students: DOUBLE GASP
Sally: What? Those dang safety scissors can’t cut warm butter…
*Teacher runs screaming from room to get the principal. Sally cuts out her star. She cuts it out like 5000 times faster and better than her peers with those dang safety scissors.*
Principal: YOUNG LADY! What have you got to say for yourself?!
Sally: Uh… do you like my star?
Principal: !! You’re coming with me right now missy and I’m calling the police!
Sally: *cries*
—- a short while later
Sally is in the principal’s office, still crying. Principal is maintaining a safe distance from the obvious threat she poses.
Sally: *cries*
Police Officer: It’s a good thing you found these in time *examining scissors* Do you realize how much paper she could have cut left unchecked?
Teacher, a little shaken: I can’t believe … one of MY students.. where did I go wrong?!
Sally: *cries*
Police Officer: OK, you’re coming with us little miss trouble *cuffs her*
Sally: *cries more*
*Police take her away*
Principal: I’m just glad we’re all safe. you should go home.. it’s been a rough day.
Teacher: But what about my class, my students?
Principal: Your what?
The saddest part about this is that this kind of thing happens pretty regularly. I can’t even comprehend the total breakdown of reality and reason necessary for this to happen. Really, how do events lead up to this sort of scenario? I’m be surprised if the people responsible for this whole comedy of error–being left to their own devices–wouldn’t suffocate themselves inside of a walmart bag by mistake trying to unload their discount purchases.
fuck.
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